none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
