she was so not down for the gang bang
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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