There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
