i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I understand Curling. That high.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
