I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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