come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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