You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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