I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize