Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
As shirtless as possible
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
