Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
