dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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