The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
