Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
