paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I cockslap morals
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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