connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
