I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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