On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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