I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
