you turned your livingroom into a bong?
4 words: hood of his car
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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