the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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