Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
only you would photoshop your dick
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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