Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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