im drinking this country out of the recession.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
