I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
