i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
