She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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