Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
