i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I need to align my fucking chakras
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize