do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
