The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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