He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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