TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
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