Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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