I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
