Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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