I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
