worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
