I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
