I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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