I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
