I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
