Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
