yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
