I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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