ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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