This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
why do cheetos always look like penises
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
