why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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