You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
