Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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