You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize