I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
