so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
