I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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