today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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