Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i would one night stand the shit outta him
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
