His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
