It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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