on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
it's like iHOP with fire
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
