Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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