im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He felt like a one man threesome
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
