I am spending my child support on dildos
I should be sponsored by Trojan
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
